My Confessions as a Struggling Writer—The Trenches of My Visionary Fight

***THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS***

Try to read every section as if it builds on the last one

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Author's notes

Desire and good mapping:

Desire

Desires:

I want literary community

I want deep exchange and to make an impact

I wanted to have ideas implemented

I wanted deep relationships

Good:

The school's literary environemnt

Deep engagement with human experience and nature

Growth in wisdom

Becoming better

More unified

Staying from the world for Christ

Being one

Inclusivity

Dynamic inclusion

To not merely love stories, but to set your heart out to live those stories in life.

• Give Editor in chief a made-up name (that's not her real name)

• 
  

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ACT I:

When most people think of school starting, they think of something boring. They think of a grind. But not me. I couldn't wait to begin 11th grade. Because to me, that would be the time to set my roots to the soil. The roots of my whole being, and find other trees. This, I thought, was the beginning of a new chapter. Previously, I was at a public high school for two years. But I never experienced the high school life. I was very isolated. Not many were very warm to me at school. Not many even approached me to talk. Only some people did.

At the time, I had recently seriously committed myself to writing. I began my book, The Redemption of Invynceth. And I did because I wanted to truly show everyone why all people, of all kinds and of all archetypes, are broken, sinful, and need Jesus, no matter who. As a Christian, I'm a part of the Body of Christ, and the Bible says we all must be one, as we use our gifts to serve others. And I deeply believe in that and treasure it. I always had faith, and still have faith, in all my brothers and sisters in Christ, because I believe they have Christ living in them, as the Bible says.

• In my book I wrote about church community and body of Christ

• Dive into some of TRoInvynceth's themes

• in the book but not in real life

But my conviction in the body of Christ was a stark contrast to the lived reality of my life. The good things in my book weren't reflected in my life. I wrote them in many ways as an expression of what I wanted in real life. Even though I wrote TRoInyvnceth to share so much of my heart, and ultimately bring people to Christ. Nobody knew about it, and even now, I'm still working on it. Pretty much no one regularly read it then, so it was just me. I don't know what happened really. They were amazing people, and many were very kind and open, as Christians are called to be. Yet, somehow, I was still isolated. I was very confused by this. How could this be if we are literally all one in Christ? Not just "united" with a shared cause or soemthing—under Christ! So how could this be? Was this because of me, or because of them? Was it both, or neither—something else? What was going on? But here in this environment, I thought it would be very good because of the interest clubs.

So, I went to the writing club, expecting to find many committed writers supporting each other, exchanging words and lines packed with vivid detail and emotion. I mean, that's what a "writing club" is, right? And I found the people were, as expected, very creative. The activites and games were very fun. I met great people. One guy in particular stood out to me because everything he said was funny—in a way that zapped me like static. One moment you're normal, and the next moment, a zap of laughter and wit! The writing club leader even praised one excerpt from my novel very highly, saying I should enter a contest with it.

If I remember correctly, the first game had us read one novel-sounding line and then we had to come up with an entire story from just that one line. I had many great conversations. But I found there were too many writer games and didn't feel a sense of serious writer or a sense of "we're all in this together." But that didn't work that day. All of it—the sparks of connection I felt, the conversations I had, the stories we made—they were all incredible. But they all ended when the bell rang, to pretty much never to be picked up again.

I found the literary magazine. A literary magazine? Great. At a Christian school? Wonderful. The one that came right after my old, isolated school? Community-wonderful. The one that lives out their faith by having a relational mission? Worthy of the next era. I saw how it said the mission is to show people's God-given talents. I saw the website, and it was beautifully designed. I read the work that people submitted. It was the perfect place. There were many skilled writers, a team, a community, and a mission for serving others and impacting them. I was very impressed and applied.

• In my book I wrote about church community and body of Christ

• Dive into some of TRoInvynceth's themes

• in the book but not in real life

Previously, this magazine and the teams behind it had done remarkable things, and I loved its mission. But for some reason, by the time I'd gotten there, it had become a mere husk of what it once was. A campfire turned smoldering wick.

For some reason, they didn't respond to my application for months. So, I was still alone for a while. No literary magazine team updates at all. I still found it hard to keep lasting friends. All this time, the literary magazine was almost totally inactive. Except the end of the year, where it called for one edition. Then it published only one, when the website said they publish three per year. And while the individual submissions were great, the way they were all presented as a whole wasn't very good. I'd read one piece, and then read the next. But something didn't feel right. It resembled just a collection of work, not a literary magazine. It'd have been no different than just posting them on the same Instagram account.

A library is an organized collection of works. A literary magazine, however, should be something more. A literary magazine, by its very nature, is about bringing these individual works together to form a meaningful whole, not just stacking them together on the same shelf. About taking these stars, seeing the constellation no one else sees, and joining them together to form a greater constellation. About taking stars that each embody their own story, and revealing the greater constellation that each story echoes.

However, I kept trying. Even though it didn't work so many times, I still hoped that my writing could truly be read by someone, and have them truly be touched by it. I hoped that I could meet my future tribe of Christian writers and thinkers. I didn't transfer to this school for no reason, after all! So I went back to the writing club. This time, if I recall correctly, we weren't just playing games.

I met someone who I really hit it off with. We exchanged our writing. She had a whole novel (I think it was a novel? Well, I know at the very least that it was a significant writing project) she was working on. And she was not just a writer, but a good writer. I could see it from the phrases she used. For the first time, I met someone at the school who I could genuinely call a fellow writer.

She told me, "Wow, even the name of your book sounds really cool. I instantly want to read it."

We got along well. Was this going to be the moment when I found a writing partner? Someone to write alongside with? Someone to chart stories with? That my writing mission would truly shine forth for the body of Christ mission that I mean it and its purpose to enrich and transform lives and bring people to God. I was so excited. Maybe this was the time when my book would finally be read, and for the first time, another person would really be in my world with me!

After the club meeting, she read it and said it was very good for about a week or two or perhaps a month or so. But slowly, she read less and less. At one point, she stopped entirely. I could never see her in person because of the disorganized school. I saw her very few times, maybe even only once in person, where she told me she was sorry she hadn't read it more because she was busy. Yet, she still didn't come on and read it. Everybody goes everywhere, and it is nearly impossible to find someone in a separate class. The year after, I'm pretty sure she transferred to another school.

• Thought: And I felt powerless to change it. I felt like a boat carried away by the sea.

• 
  

Sadly, by the end of the year, I was still isolated. No writing partners. No one is deeply immersed in my work. I felt little if any, sense of essential community contribution. I felt my gifts were being severely underutilized. I felt I had so much to give, but few hands ready to take what I had to give. In order for words to serve people, How do you serve people with writing and words if there's no one available to hear them? Could MLK have made the change if his audience had been empty? How do you write a novel meant to point people to Christ if those people don't actually read it? Could Paul have preached the Gospel in an abandoned desert? How could I serve others with my writing if there was no one to read it?

Well, actually, there are people there to hear them. It's just that, for some reason, there just seemed to have been no chance for anyone to hear them. And that is what made my particular situation feel even more frustrating to me. The particular people—they were actually there. They were so close to me. I saw them every day. Many were even close enough to praise my novel. And yet, almost nobody had read even a single sentence from it. It's like a home that's just close enough to be seen, but too far away to be lived in.

When I transferred to this school, I earnestly desired to find deep roots in not only a basic community, but to be one with other Christians—the body of Christ. Yet, a whole year had passed and still, even at my new Christian school, surrounded every day by brothers and sisters in Christ, I was isolated. In terms of how close I was to people, it wasn't that much better than my previous, non-Christian school. What was going on? Not only did I lack what the Bible says is living as one with each other, I lacked basic human relationships!

Beat III: Commitment to Journey

However, something new happened in the summer afterward. Remember the literary magazine? One day, the new leader told me, "If you have any ideas for the magazine, let me know!" That was enough of a spark to push me to come up with some ideas . At first, I didn't see just how much was possible, so I pitched in many ideas, thinking I was just being an idea person. I didn't think to do it this with that much intentionality yet though. Something in the way the magazine was structured must have made me feel limited. Previously, I just thought, "Well if I'm just an 'editor,' then all I can do is whatever I'm told. I can't do anything else." I felt limited to whatever duties I was assigned as an editor—almost as if I was a student who could only follow strict instructions without any freedom.

Finally. Someone who really showed they were in the same boat as me—someone who cared that the magazine wasn't in a good state. Someone who wanted to make it better.

Someone who I might have been able to work with to make it better.

One of my first ideas was a personal narrative suggestion. I'd recently been writing personal narratives. I discovered their own power.

Perhaps this would be the moment that the stars would connect. Everyoen at school had a story to tell.

I suggested.

Thoughts:

• Could this have been a new moment for my ?

• For me to integrate into the magazine?

• Now I'm not just a participant in an existing system, I'm a change-maker.

• 
  

The summer after that was boring. I dind't have much to do and I couldn't really spend tiem with people. Somehow, I didn't even meet people.

• Pacing note spend lots of tiem building up in here.

I came up with .

But the idea I thought was the most epic of all: a brand new logo.

Now, I know that might seem like a small detail, but actually, logos are very powerful. It's like looking at someone's face after just hearing their name, or meeting someone in person that you've always admired from afar. In both, you finally have a tangible sense of who they are. That's what a logo does—it's like the face of a company.

Imagine two people working together on a story about an experience they shared together. That would be incredible! And hypothetical events too.  If two people in the process of writing wrote their deepest stories, and wrote them together as one unified story, then that would make a relationship go far deeper. Isn't this a perfect fit for how a literary magazine reveals constellation stories that individual stories form? More journeying together of the mind and more depending the bond like that. Imagine personal narratives that could bring people together. Perhaps this could even heal broken bridges—make two people could reconcile.

I knew we needed very strong brand identity. There was so much potential for better alignment with our Christian school's values.

Who knows what could happen? What if this was the way forward? Could this be the beginning of a magazine that truly stands out? That a beacon of Christ in such a secular place?

I knew this approach was going to be incredibly powerful to foster relationships.

Up until this point, I had only worked within, and been let down by, the environment and system. But what if I tried to help change the environment itself for the better, however that might look like?

What if this wasn't just about making a magazine work again? What if this was a chance to bring it together—and ascend to greater heights? Could this finally be the chance to redeem a magazine, and redeem the situation I was in?

Everything so far I expected would happen to me. I Thought as soon as I went to this school, I'd entered God's promised land for me. That it would happen to me. People would happen to me. Taht everything that happened and led up to this point had a purpose in my life. What if it was not just that everything was happening to me? What if last year was preparation for not just to plant a new tree, but to transform the whole forest? What if it was that I was meant to happen to it? Why is all this happening?

Perhaps . Perhaps this was my role in the magazine. What if so far ?

So that the magazine could happen to the entire school.

I had to wait super long vor . I coutned the weeks down left until the new school eyar would start. So I resolved—the next year, we'd have a vibrant magazine..

Act II

Act Beat IV: Experiencing the Journey

As I thought more and more, my ideas became bigger and bigger. I grew new eyes, and seeing more traces of beauty. I saw not merely bubbles, but could see the light reflecting beautifully off it. And I grew hungrier for more of the potential magazine's beauty. My appetite grew brighter and brighter. It was almost like a training obstacle course to think and act like an entrepreneur was laid before me. Maybe senior year would be really different than last year. Maybe this would . Maybe this would be the time when my hopes and dreams for coming to the school would be fulfilled.

Was it based in a vision and mission statement?

The editor-in-chief told me about her plans and vision. She even spent a reasonable amount of time per response on Discord. I thought she was committed and passionate. She was, after all, one of the top English students.

We had so many plans, but I felt frustrated that I couldn't implement them immediately. It'd be a long wait. So I wanted to use the summer as a great planning phase.

I was so excited for that first meeting.

I was waiting for that one meeting. In the calendar, there were very few meetings. Just one day every month. That'd be roughly as often as we'd get three-day weekends. The entire rest of the month, we had no meetings. That one meeting per month stood out to me like a star in the night sky. And there I was—staring at the night sky, seeing the stars. It was like stargazing. It looked to me like the. The blank days between the meetings were the dark sky, night sky. between stars.

• Create constellations from stars

What was a key moment that we'd break through? Hmmmm... wait, of course! It was a club fair! We shine the logo there like an emblem on a mighty shield. I thought to myself, imagine having a logo and seeing it in the hallway multiple times. Then, the brand will be memorable and stick in your head. This would prime you for the ultimate reveal—our club faire presentation. Imagine the attractive logo on the post, and you'll see it once you're primed. Perfect strategy!

• Repeat that I was alone, thinking of these ideas, waiting to share them with the editor-in-chief

• For some reason, I didn't think of sharing them with other firends I ahd at school.

A logo would solve so many problems. It would make us prestigious and professional. In doing so, it would make us publish more editions because of the higher stakes associated with professionalism and prestige, and more people want editions, so there is more pressure to create editions. That would solve the problem of lacking editions.

This is when I realized—a brand is not just an aesthetic appearance. It's who we are. It's like every culture has that distinct vibe and feel. That's a part of the brand. It's a part of who they are.

I wrote all this down on the document of ideas. A document that I was going to love and evolve into basically an entire manifesto.

Man, I couldn't wait to share all this with the editor-in-chief! So I quickly spoke with her, and told her all about my thoughts. She seemed impressed with the ideas, and received them well!

I tried to look into it and ask whether we already had a logo by asking one of the former editors-in-chief. We already had a logo, but she said we could change it if we wanted to. So, I went ahead and took a look at the logo. It was a black, corporate-looking logo of an aperture. I realized it'd been just the little icon (in other words, the favicon) that showed up on the tab that shows up whenever you open the magazine's site. It was there all along, all while I was applying on the website, reading through editions, and reflecting over the deeper implications of our website. Yet, somehow, I still didn't even realize that this little icon was the logo. It wasn't until I was directly told about it that I knew it was. Beside it being the favicon, I'd never seen it anywhere else.

Looking at the logo, I didn't think it was very impressive. Though it looked decent by perhaps corporate standards, it was just a black-and-white, bland logo. It looked nice, but only in the way that a hospital or a bank does—not in the way that a beautiful concert hall, calligraphy, or an art gallery does. The logo's style didn't have any flair. It didn't convey a message. The logo simply existed, and did nothing else. But that's not a logo for us, as Christ-centered organization and a literary magazine, we need a logo that truly represents who we are.

We're a creative organization about art and life, not some big corporation. That's one flaw of industrialization, a lack of relationality. We're not one of today's underground pipe management companies. It's not that industrialization is bad, but that something is wrong when improving industrialization doesn't correspond to the quality of our relationships. We had to get a more vibrant logo. We needed a logo that looked more alive.

The logo .

• Repeat that I was alone, thinking of these ideas, waiting to share them with the editor-in-chief

• For some reason, I didn't think of sharing them with other firends I ahd at school.

• 
  

A magazine that could breathe life to my life is a magazine that the school could realize.

Previously, I'd just been alone, trying to seek soething. But now I was with others in a team, . We could create somethign beautiful together.

I told the current editor-in-chief that we did already have one, And yeah, it wasn't the best logo.

And imagine what you could do with a powerful and evocative logo during the club faire! I bet most of the other school clubs didn't have such a well-defined, identity-evocative logo. But imagine if you saw a logo that was as good as the one in the hallway. That'd definitely stick with you!

I discussed my plans with the editor-in-chief and told her about how even though we already had a logo, we could create a new one. She even told me that she'd credit me for my ideas.

The editor-in-chief also told me we had fewer members and that we needed to get more. But then I thought more about it. People think it's a problem because we need a big team for operations. But what was I trying to do here?

So, was this small number of members really a problem? Actually, not at all! This was, in fact, our biggest opportunity to have a committed team. A mother and father would find it very difficult to raise a hundred children at once. I knew we all needed to start small, and only then could we go big. Fewer people, a more condensed vision. It is the perfect place for a new vision for the magazine to thrive.

She wanted it? The previous editor in chief was very inactive. But the the new one? Giving me thoughtful responses and plans. Surely, I thought, this means she would start off with a visionary meeting. That's what every leader will do for the status quo. She was with us all too, after all, as an editor last year where we did nothing and didn't even have a single meeting. She told me she was dissatisfied with last year about how inactive it was. And now, she told me she planned to recruit more members and wanted to publish editions. That's what we barely did last year—and she's doing it now—so she must have been committed to change. And when people are dissatisfied with something but then finally have the power to do something about it, it only makes sense that they'd take the lead and empower the rest of us to do the same. She will motivate us, chart course for the next semester. So that we can have an amazing magazine that fills hearts with wonder and life to all of us at school, that makes stories grow like flowers, the gentle breeze blowing each petal on every plant, caressing every blade of grass. She's the new editor in chief after all. She has the chance to do revive the magazine! And she's going to do it.

You know, I really wanted to connect with the editor-in-chief. She was so passioante about literature, and seemed really thoughtful. So, I thought could have become closer. And we could have been an epic duo, taking on the magazine and making it as good as it possibly could have.

• Maybe this would really make it

To get the brand strong, we needed everyone to be on board with it. This would, of course, make everyone strong and united as a team. We'd be able to bond incredibly well. We'd have a strong and deeply cohesive team. Everyone loves deeply impactful ideas and the opportunity to chart forth a new path, so this would be very straightforward and quick.

Just like earlier with my personal narrative idea we could have the . New purpsoe and vision. Personal narratives. Person centered magazine. Relationship centered magaizne. Magazine fosters relationships.

I wanted to create the logo so badly. I could only imagine what it'd look like. But I . We had to do this together. And in developing a logo, I knew we'd develop a new vision. I already had one, but I wanted to hear everyone else. I wanted to hear everyone's visions and ideas. And we'd crystallize all our visions as one.

This is the perfect for a small team. We'd have a small team profoundly committed to one vision.

I didn't know exactly what the logo would look like. But there were normal old-style logos, and the more recent kidns of logos you see. Like just the linkedln logo didn't seem much. Those ones look really flashy and beautiful.

My idea of inclusive magazine. That writing is universal. I wanted to revamp the about me page so that the magazine would not be for a merely niche of studnets already interested in literatuer, but about words and stories that unite all.

Use mythical-grounded style.

• reiterate that. Iwas alone

• Now do exploring the realm of writing is for everyone

• Explain my desire to boost hte magazine with universal literature philosophy, originally conceptualized becuase I thought the magazine had too niche appeal and wanted it to be boarder, transforemd into .

• Relate it to the magazine's ideneity as a whole as a relational, univerasl, story-bearing, story-being magazine.

• Reiterate my desire for logo, now in light of this.

• Intorudce the shirt idea. Originally a repsonse to promotional issues and low visibility, transformed into a profound soul-embodying magazine. Where we'd walk aroudn as embodiments of hte magazine itself.

• Reiterate .

We would become a profoundly connected team. We could create so many new things. We'd expand the vision even farther than I'd imagined it so far. And we would come together in one unified, powerful effort, shining with all our passion and vision and overflowing with light into our logo, our speech, our props.

We all had to do this within the first meeting. Club faire is only 3 weeks after the first meeting. So we have to form a vision, become united within . We have to do much more after just the first meeting. We have to get a logo. So it's critical that meeting goes well and it's a visionary meeting. We need editor in chief to do it well, to inspire us, . We can crystallize a vision for the magazine and chart course for the year. We can discuss . Then we can create teh logo, I can propose many plans of ideas. Then we can have an incredible club faire.

I was peering into a world. A new realm of what coudl be. I couldn't fully see it yet, but looking back and being able to see it fully now, I'd love to describe this world to you guys.

What I was beginning to see was a where the stories our magazine would bear forth and live forth would bring us together in the school, on a mountain, to see the stars. That they would really see the stars. That they would experience the stars. Experience the stars with each other. Together. It was one starry night, on a mountain, we would watch the starts together. The shades fo the sky with the galaxy visible . The group would all tell . On one half, a pair sat together. They would watch together. One would see one half of stars connection, and the other would see the other half would see the other half. And do so, again, and again, and again. And as the sky evolved, and the stars shifted, so would we—always, in every desire, in every good aspect of our lives. Evolving our desires and goods together, as one constellation, as one story.

A world in which God's manifold wisdom would. beshown through all of us, to all of us, through each other. Where God's character would be lived in manifold ways throughout our lives. Where we would become crystalized into one, each of us a side of a manifold diamond.

• Account for my observation

• Add the arc about me realizing it can be about transparency and inviting into the journey

I was still waiting for that one meeting. I think by this point, maybe there were like 3 or 5 weeks or something left until school started? Just like last year, this was the case for me. I couldn't wait for school to start. I (explain how my original desires as author and wanting deep relationships came to be here) I couldn't wait for us all to overflow.

Overflow with light. Overflow with our brand. Overflow in partnership. Overflow from the deep wells. Be as light, as logo, as speech, as props, as brand, as partners. Everything we did, everything we would lay out—they would all become artifacts in the future for the magazine. Be together. Be as vision. Be as one. All as one. And one as all. Standing together. Knowing who we are. Being who we know we are. Who we are. Us.

In doing this, I learned very much about brand identity, organization identity, and team dynamics. Ugh, those are professional-sounding terms, but I Want to talk about that.

It was going to be my chance to chart the epic course. It was going to be my chance to chart a new course with everyone. To find new comrades. Comrades in arms, in pen, and in the heart. Comrades in the journey ahead. Together, we would pave forth a new era of the magazine. Our magazine. Our community.

• Build up to this iwth slow and deliberate pacing

I know

• the time between school starting and seeing the editor-in-chief and the meeting and build up

• Desiring the community aspect

• It's my last year to do this in high school. My last year to make a mark in high school. My final year to fulfill this. I would be the one senior to do this. Imagine sparking an entire cultural shift at school!

• I felt so honored at the prospect that I'd be the face of the magazine.

• Tie back to the original desires and the original commitment of (arpeggio 1-3-5 chord)

Critical Direction Shift/"Bobby Runs Away"

Then the day arrived. The day I'd been waiting for so long. The day I'd been building up to with so many ideas. The day to meet my team. The day when minerals would become crystals.

It would finally be the time.

Wrong.

Many didn't show up, and the editor-in-chief sadly didn't actually do a visionary meeting. It was basically just her talking the whole time, except once where she asked for ideas. When she did, I tried to take that opportunity to share my logo idea with everyone, but she just said we already had a logo.

Wait a minute... This confused me. I thought we'd already had this discussion. Didn't I already tell her we needed an logo that suits us, not a bland one? But suddenly, she changed the topic, saying that we'd focus on the logo issue later.

Focus on it later? But what about the entire plan? We don't have time to focus on it later—club fair is just a few weeks away! We have to talk about the logo now! I couldn't even present anyway because there was simply no time or format to present it at the meeting. It felt like we were running through a laundry list of stuff, like when to meet and how many editions we wanted to publish. Me and the other adventures just met up, never looked at the path ahead of us, talked about a few stones along the way, and then went our own ways. Then the next meeting we'd all meet together again, and just come randomly out of hte trees to step on that one next stone. What happened to the entire rest of the journey between the stone and teh last one? We were suposed to walk all the way along that time too! We can't just all touch "checkpoint stones" and then walk off our own ways! How were we going to chart a course like this? How was this a team journey?

Now, I have to be fair here though. Life is hard.

But man, this was a huge setback. How do we get a visionary meeting to get everyone on board with a vision? And how can we create a new brand identity and impress everyone with the logo this way? The visionary meeting was a key part of my plan! How could we create a brand and logo and all that without a vision? How could we create a strong, unified, deeply connected team without a vision to unite them? And how would we get them all in teh same place again? Wait for the next meeting? That would be too long, and if we did it by then, we'd have very little time to form deep bonds and create a robust and united brand. Then we'd miss the club fair!

One time.

I finally pulled out the document with the ideas I had.

The editor in chief, who I'd been discussing with for a while, just read through it and said "What is this?"

I was surprised, because I'd thought we discussed before previously! If I had been sharing

In the document, I gave questions like "Who we are and where do we see ourselves in five years," she just asked me, "Why do we need this?" I didn't know how to respond, because...it's so obvious that of course every organization needs to know who they are in the first place!

Act II break

Act III

How about we create shirts?

But I persisted. What were we going to do?

Star. I waited for each one like stars.

And yet, somehow, the months after had no meetings.

In this time, we would have so many ideas. So many ideas that how was I supposed to share them all?

 I wanted to have a long meeting to discuss. In most meetings, you could hardly see someone. Most of the meetings, I had no opportunity to share because it was the editor in chief speaking, and that the window left for anyone to share anything was very small—leaving me with very constrained time. But these are important, detailed issues that we need to address! Just like Congress does because the issues are just that important. Man, how are you supposed to stuff a whole Congress meeting into a five-minute space to walk to the next class? Then she'd tell me to go on Discord and message her. So I did, I tried to message her on Discord. And she would respond. Sometimes she'd respond. But it was all too often it was something that said we were too limited or the idea wasn't practical. I'd then want to follow up and discuss the ideas more and explain why I thought we could make it work, but then she wouldn't respond. It was very hard to keep up. And then I'd try to find her in person in class. But that's what I tried to do in the beginning, and it was too difficult. Back to square zero. What a catch-22! What was I to do?

And then we'd meet again, after going off doing many things in the forest. This isn't an adventure. We'd just meet at the next stone.

I didn't know how to tell anyone!

Then we had a meeting to prepare for

During the meeting, I suggested ideas to flare up the . "Why do we need that? We have to focus on the essentials first."

I was very surprised at that reaction. Something was off about it. I didn't know how to describe it at the time. Like, why would somebody react by talking about basic needs to cool ideas? Do people react to a gourmet, world-class Wagyu udon dish with "Eh, I don't need it because I don't suffer from malnutrition!" Come on, we need to use our imaginary taste buds and let your mouth water! It's a cool idea. What surprises me is don't you think that cool ideas make people react with excitement? Come on, don't people love salt, spices, and the savory—that food smells good and tastes good?

You know, she wan't completely wrong. Essentials do come first. Why else call them essentials? But here's the thing. What were we doing in that moment? Were they essentials? Technically we fulfiled our on-paper obligations, but we did not fulfill the real essentials. The real essentials are visionary heart, team unity, and a shared course to chart is what is most essential.

During the meeting where we were creating a poster.

"We don't have enough people."

"Why do we need this?"

The day of club faire was finally here. I'd hoped it'd go well.

The poster was in such a poor position. It was below, and the logo was just the same old one. I don't even know if you'd have recognized the logo we had as a logo, or just another design. The table went up to my hips, adn the entire poster was below the table. So when you were talking to us in the table, your legs would practically be covering the entire posted. You couldn't see any of it, let alone the logo there . Also, how would you even recognize the design as our logo? It wasn't presented in a way that stood out—like the way you'd put an emblem on a shield—and instead looked like a random design slapped on there just because someone else told them to put it there. Explain how Club faire went. I remember how the editor-in-chief ended it early with a "We're done!" When we barely had anyone sign up.

Though the plan we needed didn't happen, . But I could not let the mission die. This had to happen somehow. Even if it was going to be hard.

It had been summer, and . My manifesto-like document was still unread. Just like my novel was. It's ironic how I was an editor for a literary magazine, which is about shining light on other's works, but my own novel barely read or even known about.

Around this time is when I began to realize—I was in the visionary trenches. We would have to go for meeting by meeting. This was going to take much longer than I thought. I figured it'd be long before we'd have enough opportunity like club faire. And I took it upon myself—a long, muddy trench to fulfill this.

There is so much more to say about this, and I am very eager to share what happens next and how the story evolves from here with you, and all your fellow readers here. But up until here is all I have time for now.

One question that I wrestled with—if God gave me gifts, and wanted me to serve the people around me, then even after all this, did God use me to the school? If so, then I face a confusing paradox. I question, "How the gifts could be used if nothing seemed to flourish?" I wonder, "Did I miss something? Could I have done better?" And I wrestle, "What is God's purpose for all these efforts of mine that didn't work out like I intended?" Frankly, I still don't know. I'm still wrestling with it. But I know that God has a plan and purpose for everything, even if I don't understand it. I know God works through everything, and in ways we cannot even imagine. His ways are above ours as the heavens are above the Earth.

Fast forward until now, long story short, this is absolutely a major reason why I created Dimension of Thought and am so passionate about it. I made Dimension of Thought back then . Then, as this story of my senior year efforts to revitalize my school's literary pillar. I began to realize just how much more I could do on here than there. With the wix editor and all its elements, it was so easy to implement new ideas and post things. I didn't have to wait for things like new quotas or wait for the next edition to have an idea. We need flexible, easily adaptable communites and platforms where relationships and people actually, ACTUALLY need determine the structure. Not where structure defines what relationships occur and what needs are addressed.